


Taker (and Runner)

by Anonymous



Category: Big Mouth (Cartoon)
Genre: Character Study, Light Angst, M/M, Make Matthew feel bad 2021, Matthew reflecting, Post S4 Finale, References to Depression, Sort Of, it’s just meant to be sad-ish, it’s not meant to be too angsty, mostly just mild ish angst, this is mostly just headcanons since we never really get a look into Matthew’s mindset
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 22:00:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29565783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: It was never Matthew’s fault, if you were to ask him.
Relationships: Jay Bilzerian/Matthew, Jessi Glaser & Matthew, Matthew/Aiden, Minor or Background Relationship(s), hinted toward
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10
Collections: Anonymous





	Taker (and Runner)

**Author's Note:**

> hi this was written in literally 20 ish minutes to vent and i dont want it on my acc so its anon.
> 
> Anyways, this is not a Matthew sympathy fic, and the ending is not a good thing, it’s him refusing to blame himself despite reflection.

Perhaps it was loneliness, or maybe it was the fact that something had finally gone  _ wrong _ . Of course, the bullying in his hometown was not right by any means, but upon moving to New York he hadn’t had an issue at all.

Now, well now he had fucked it up, hadn’t he? Foolishly, he thought his dad would be the biggest obstacle with his sexuality and coming out, but he had always trusted his mother would be there right by his side. Like she had always been.

Come to think of it, he doesn't think he has truly experienced so much pain before his mother’s rejection of his sexuality, and complete disregard for who he was and of course her visible  _ disgust  _ with him.

Almost immediately his world had come to a halt, all emotion crashing over him like a goddamn tsunami with no warning or even illusion toward. 

He was never one to express his emotions outwardly, which was part of the reason he had struggled so badly with getting with Aiden (not including with the fact he was an awkward teenage boy). 

Rather naively, he had expected his mother to be a security blanket, a form of protection from his father’s predicted ridicule, but he was so fucking backwards in his own predictions.

It was so new and so scary, being rejected by someone that Matthew was so fucking sure cared for him despite his many, many flaws.

He expected compassion, acceptance, maybe even a hug. He always did, expecting love in return for his cold shoulder, like he even deserved it. 

Who was he to expect any compassion from a single soul? When he gave absolutely none in return, though it was the one thing he truly craved, not fear, not respect, not a stupid fucking reputation of being some untouchable bully. 

Regardless, that was all he had, his own protective barrier of bitchiness.

Though he wouldn’t admit it to anyone (save for Jessi and perhaps Aiden), he knew he was a bad person, and he knew it very fucking well.

Toying with people’s feelings, using rather vulnerable people for his own sick form of entertainment, completely disregarding his (only) friend’s feelings, to name a few of his wrongdoings. 

He never quite understood why Jessi was so nice to him, even when he was nothing but dismissive of her.

She had set him on the right track, tried to help him better as a person (though, it hadn’t worked but that wasn’t her fault), set him up with Aiden since lord knows he would have gotten nowhere without her help. 

What did he give her in return? An assurance that he certainly would not miss her?

Looking back, he really caused more issues than he solved.

Instinctively pushing away anyone close when something doesn’t go quite the way expected, almost in defense as though he can’t quite let someone hurt him.

Pushing away Jay after those kisses, his  _ first  _ kiss, refusing to hear him out because oh fuck what if he hated it?

Shoving Jessi away when she had to leave because how  _ dare  _ she come into Matthew’s life just to leave again.

Shutting Aiden away because he had lost all trust from his mother and it’s all Aiden’s fault for those  _ stupid  _ fucking messages.

Because it was never Matthew’s fault, it was always someone else making him do these things, it was always someone else.

Moonlight washed over the empty room, save for Matthew sprawled across his unmade bed, drumming his fingers on his abdomen impatiently as though he was waiting on someone.

But of course, no one came, no one was  _ there  _ anymore.

His phone lit up a few times with notifications of likes, follows, comments, calls from Aiden he proceeded to ignore, worried texts from Jessi, nothing he felt like even looking at anymore.

It was probably unhealthy, wallowing in self pity and his own thoughts, but he couldn’t seem to care.

Normally, he would laugh at this kind of thing, someone so pathetic they couldn’t even leave their bed, but here he lay. 

Even upon reflecting, over analyzing every one of his actions, he still couldn’t quite understand why no one came running back. 

Of course, Aiden continously called at least 3 times an hour and maybe dropping by for a surprise visit was the single worst idea, but he couldn’t quite shake the feeling of loneliness and dare he say betrayal that his boyfriend hadn’t tried.

Or, how Jay hadn’t tried to even do what he seemed to do best and worm his way back into Matthew’s life, like he wasn’t good enough a romantic suitor.

How Jessi had just taken his brutal honesty and not fought back, tried to tell him that he loved her, he needed her, because god, he did.

Punching the rumpled sheets below him in anguish, he inhaled deeply, not noticing just how angry he had gotten.

He had been so hung up on the idea that he was so fucking above everyone, that he was beyond the need for double sided relationships that he had drove himself into the ground.

In reality, he was nowhere near above everyone, he was just a kid who lived in fear of rejection, abandonment, negative reaction, a kid who hid behind a façade of everything he feared, a kid that couldn’t keep one good thing alive.

A kid, nonetheless. 

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> lol


End file.
